Fear and Terror
the Ego & our compulsive
need to compare ourselves
with others
One tendency we humans have is that we so often seem to know, deep down inside, that everyone else is probably really together and totally with it; it is just ME who actually really sucks. And, whenever somebody else says or does something, it proves once again, for sure, that my opinion of myself is correct.
I had the fabulous luck to have known Imogen Cunningham, one of the most colorful photographers in the history of the medium, of which she was a fixture for about half of its life. She was over 90 when she died and had been photographing for 80 or so of those years. She made her living as a portraitist throughout her long career.
Someone asked her whether she ever showed her proofs to her clients. “Oh heavens NO!” she said. They are only interested in one thing, really. They look for the one picture on the page that confirms their suspicions that they are really and truly ugly. When they succeed in finding it, they can’t see anything else and then they will Never order prints!
We really don’t like ourselves very well.
After all, you know, we are SUPPOSED to be really cool all the time. In fact, we demand of ourselves that we be perfect but I know damn well that I am not. You are not supposed to find that out. I do everything I can to LOOK perfect, while knowing, inside, that for sure, I am actually a miserable worm.
There is this remarkable disconnection between what we present to others, and what we know of ourselves. It produces some really odd, no, I might say Weird results. It is like we each have an inner being and also an outer being. I can not see my outer being as you do, nor can I see your inner being as you do. You cannot see your outer being as I do, nor can you see my inner being as I do. Yet, we think we are communicating! It is no wonder people are always killing each other. It would be great if I could be like Scooter, my cat. He has no problem with this kind of thing.
For example. If you and I are looking at each other’s images, I am thinking “Your images are so fresh and lively. Mine are so boring. Clearly then, I must suck. This proves that I suck, beyond a doubt.” So I say “nice pictures! What kind of camera do you use?” And then, the subject changes and pretty quick, I am talking about myself again. I have to do this because I need to convince myself that although I may suck inside, on the outside all you can see is, well, maybe not quite perfect, but approximately perfect. Little do I know that inside, you are saying “His work is so fresh and lively. My pictures are so boring. Clearly then, I must suck. This proves that I suck, beyond a doubt.” So, you say “nice pictures! What kind of camera do you use?” And then you go on talking about how great the camera is. The camera is very useful because if I have a better camera than you have, well, that gets you off the hook. That’s why my pictures look better.
Well, that is irrelevant, because better cameras don’t take better pictures. In fact, anything that you or I can say is irrelevant. Here’s what is going on.
When we make pictures, the eye is connected directly to the brain, and the vision that each of us has is conditioned by the vast number of experiences we have had during our lives. These are different for everyone. When I make a picture, it is my vision that is operating, and that vision reflects MY life and its content. When I see your picture, it is another life, one that I’m not already sick of and bored with; one that seems so lively and fresh. Not that there is anything wrong with my life, though I believe we are all very critical of our lives. The fact is, though, everything I see – indeed, my WAY of seeing – is oh, so familiar, and there aren’t many surprises and the ones there are usually aren’t really positive. It is no small wonder that your work seems fresh. Same with you, when you are looking at my images.
Now, there are those thoughts. Come on, admit it. The amount of time that anyone spends actually SEEING something is minuscule, compared to the (in this instance) 15 minutes you have to sit there. We might see something and then, what happens? We start thinking about the party next weekend, or that cool girl or guy we just met, etc. It is possible that something we see triggers the thought, or some intrusion, but even without any particular stimulus, we do fine in becoming distracted. We are experts.
My friends, this is an aspect of the HUMAN CONDITION. It is the very ground upon which we stand.
